‘Melania’ is for an audience of 1. In this theatre, that’s me. Seriously. Nobody else is here.

First lady is colder than the empty theatre at ‘Melania‘ premiere

LOS ANGELES – As an entertainment reporter for more than 20 years, I haven’t paid to watch any sort of celeb content in two decades. A new movie or TV show comes out: a publicist sends a DropBox link or, back in the day, a DVD showed up at the office. A major concert or sporting event is happening: press tickets are at the box office with my name on them.

But, with Amazon’s Melania Trump documentary, it’s been strangely hush-hush for us entertainment folks. Well, not necessarily strangely because we know why, so let’s use the word oddly.

It’s odd that a production company, movie house, streamer, etc. doesn’t provide a preview to the press. After all, it’s our words and testimonials that can sway someone’s decision to check out a project. Plus, it’s free advertising. Well, that is if we like it and give it a decent review. The flip side, of course, is we skewer the show and destroy any artistic efforts put forth on the screen. Then again, in today’s world, that, too, can propel ticket sales and audience interest because people will want to get in on the mockery of the project.

So, the fact that us veteran celeb journos know the game that well, it’s probably why Amazon MGM prevented us from seeing it beforehand.

Thursday’s advance screenings across the U.S. were cancelled, save for the official showing the Trumps hosted. Amazon hasn’t been responding to media inquiries about why the plug was pulled. Again, it’s simple math on this one.

Speaking of simple math, that’s all it took to tally up the ticket sales in most theatres across the U.S., Canada and the U.K. leading up to today’s premiere. With Melania screening in thousands of theatres across dozens of countries — not to mention she’s the wife of a president — you’d expect interest would be high and people would be clamoring to get tickets to the show. Well, you don’t need me to break any news here because you already know ticket sales were a flop.

And, if what we’ve been seeing on the Melania advertisements around L.A. is a representation of how Americans feel about the project (though it seems to be sentiment about her personally), it could be a hilariously tragic weekend of ticket sales for the first lady.

Still, there is interest in certain circles to see what Mrs. Trump’s life was like in the 20 days leading up to her husband’s second go round in the White House. Be it Trump supporters or those looking to laugh at the ridiculousness of the project in which Melania served as a producer, there is reason for people to score tickets to the 104-minute $40-million ($75 million if you factor in the $35-million marketing spend) vacant-theatre project.

HERE I SIT

With the news of Catherine O’Hara’s death, Don Lemon’s arrest, more Epstein files released, and it being Grammys weekend, our broadcast team is stretched to the limit this morning. As much as my entertainment colleagues would’ve loved to join me (not really), I’m flying solo here. (I couldn’t even get my husband to accompany me with a promise of, “Hey, we’ll be all alone in the theatre, we can, you know…”)

Nevertheless, here I sit. The curtain goes up (well, it doesn’t physically do that anymore, but I’m old so that’s a reference my generation understands) in 15 minutes. I’m relaxed in a plush recliner in the very middle of the 159-seat theatre (yup, I counted), constantly looking back at the doorway to see if anyone will join me. I’m hoping no one will because it would be cool to have the entire theatre to myself.

I’m keeping an open mind to whatever will be shown on the giant screen in front of me. If it’s laughable, that’s what I’ll write. If it’s insightful, I’ll note that, too. I’m here to watch and review the movie, and whether or not I care for Melania has nothing to do with it. (Besides, I’m Canadian and don’t give a shit about American politics.)

LIGHTS DOWN, CURTAIN UP

“Everyone wants to know,” Melania insists at the start of the show. “So, here it is.”

The movie opens with Michael Jackson’s classic song, Billie Jean. It seems out of place — if not completely random — making you question the relevance. It’s later described as Melania’s favorite song by her favorite performer, whom she said she met in New York City. (The irony wasn’t lost on me that the lyrics “the kid is not my son” could easily be a distancing of her husband’s constant antics in the White House.)

Later, Melania explains her connection to the song and attempts to sing along in the backseat of a car, however appears to trip over the lyrics and turn her head to look out the window each time the words escape her. We’ve all done that… though not on camera in a documentary we’re producing about ourselves.

The storyline is that we follow Melania for 20 days leading up to her husband’s second inauguration on Jan. 20, 2025. It’s a weird time period. Why not start on election night? Or include her involvement on the campaign? (Oh right, she bailed on most of it.)

Melania greets and wishes multiple people Happy New Year, where the interactions appear rehearsed (perhaps overly) and robotic. There is nothing genuine or warm about her presence. Does she really do the double-cheek-kiss every time she sees someone? Every time? Really?

Melania, like her husband, is praised throughout the movie with people making ass-kissy comments to either compliment her for the audience or to stroke her ego — likely both.

Indeed, there’s nothing natural about any of the hellos Melania has with anyone in the opening minutes of the picture. The initial vibe I got in the first five minutes was that this is a dramatic movie in which she’s playing a character of herself, and not just being, you know, Melania. This isn’t a fly-on-the-wall documentary where we follow along and witness the spontaneous because everything comes across as a scripted put on.

In fact, she’s constantly smiling in this movie. If you’ve followed the first lady’s public appearances both in Donald’s first term and the current, you likely haven’t seen her smile as much as she does in this project. Why is she stone-faced at every public event, yet when her own cameras are capturing her every move she’s all smiles?

An intense amount of time is spent watching Melania try on an outfit for her husband’s second inauguration. The stylists gush about her as she stands like a model for the fitting. We see her express concern about the tightness of the collar and how the back of it needs to change. Why? I’m not entirely sure.

We watch her pick flowers and carpet with an event planner. In the process the two get confused about key dates for events. (“Which Monday?”)

Melania also takes a moment to remind us what she “accomplished” in her first run as first lady. She boasts how she “restored the rose garden” — a move that had journalists, critics and historians losing their minds at the destruction of the famed courtyard.

“It’s my responsibility to oversee the White House operation, including the East Wing [that has since been demolished by my husband],” says Melania.

There is a strange sequence where Melania talks about hiring her second-term staff. Then, we see supposed applicants showing up for job interviews… and we’re subjected to what is purportedly said interviews. (If that was legit, imagine showing up to a job interview and being told, “Hi, uh, sign this release form. Head over there into makeup and get ready for your interview. Oh, and put on this mic. You’re part of a documentary.”) At one point, Melania asks, “What would you change in the office from the first term?” Either way, rehearsed of not, scripted or not, it’s several minutes of awkwardness.

On the staffing front, we’re witness to two employees staged… er, seated across from each other at a table in the dark. One fields a phone call about an entertainment reporter wanting the scoop on Melania’s documentary. The woman feigns interest and says to send information. After the call, the employee is asked, “You’re not connecting them are you?” To which she replies with a smirk and a flippant no. It’s an odd inclusion for the movie, showing that her staff lies to and dismisses media requests (foreshadowing for the eventual release of this movie, coincidentally). I question why you’d want to portray your staff as hanging up the phone and seemingly mocking people when they’re working for, arguably, the second-highest office in the land. Conveying professionalism this scene did not.

Melania is shown flying on the famous Trump-branded plane. She’s sitting by herself with open seats around her, yet three people (presumably staff) are gathered at a table behind her. Again, for visuals sake, plop one of them down beside Melania, have them laughing hysterically at something — SOMETHING. No, instead, it’s another lonely Melania moment.

There is a funny scene — though I’m not sure that’s the intent, unless she’s trying to convey she doesn’t give a shit about her husband — when Donald is on the phone and says, “Hi, honey.” To which she replies, “Hi, Mr. President.” (While that could be a playful response, it’s certainly not said that way.) Donald asks, “Did you watch it?” and she says no, indicating she had better things to do (meetings). Without expressing a desire to hear more from her husband, Donald continues, anyway, “Numbers like never before.” He appears to be expecting a verbal pat on the head like a kid coming home with a perfect school report card. Melania: totally uninterested. She concludes the call with “congrats” but there’s never an “I love you” — ever — between Donald and Melania. Ever.

In the documentary, we see the couple together for the first time when they reunite for Jimmy Carter’s funeral. Donald gives his wife the double-cheek-kiss that everyone gets. There’s never a kiss on the lips — even after however long they’d been apart. More often than not, Melania walks ahead of Donald and leaves him in the dust, sometimes 10 ft. to 20 ft. behind her. They do walk alongside each other (even holding hands) at the Carter funeral. Though, she grabbed his hand to walk down stairs, so perhaps she needed help staying steady. Noticeably, Donald never assists her: never opens a door, never puts his hand on her back to escort her somewhere. There’s little physical interaction and affection between this married couple.

Melania talks about the one-year anniversary of her mother’s death. She pays tribute and goes to a church in New York City. Earlier, Melania sat with her father and talked about their family. It’s striking, then, that when Melania goes to the church to light a candle and pray for her mother, she’s alone. No father, no husband, no son — nobody — with her.

It’s at this point viewers fully understand how empty Melania’s personal life is. Isolated, really. Sure, she’s a first lady but never do we witness her having real connections with anybody in her life (the father scene about the mother excepted). We never see a truly loving embrace with her husband, in fact, it appears she deploys every tactic to avoid it (hello, giant inauguration hat). We never see her lovingly with her son, who, quite honestly has a smug douche-baggy smirk on his face every time he’s shown on camera. Actually, Elon Musk is shown more than Melania’s family members.

Back at the church, Melania dramatically walks up the aisle with cinematic precision to pray for her mom. Again, it makes you wonder how genuine the moment because it’s shot too perfectly to be natural. There’s something entirely disingenuous about scripting a church scene to pay tribute to your dead mom. This moment should’ve been more run-and-gun where Melania shows up and the cameras clamor to follow and shoot the scene more naturally.

When we do get a glimpse of “casual” Melania watching TV (usually Fox News, though she does watch CNN moments before the inauguration), she’s dressed to the nines and wearing thigh-high boots while commenting about how tragic the L.A. fires were last January. There’s something stiff and robotic about her. Melania never appears relatable. We don’t get a glimpse of her in sweats or pigging out on junk food after a long day. It’s all very… put on.

Melania attempts to showcase herself as a compassionate person. We see her video-chatting with France’s first lady to collaborate, where they discuss the Be Best campaign — that most people still don’t understand. Melania declares, “Children will always remain my priority” and that she “will always act with purpose and style.”

Melania meets with a former Hamas hostage whose family is involved in the Middle East crisis. It’s intended to be a heartwarming moment but, again, it’s exploited in front of cameras for a documentary. It’s staged like an ABC 20/20 interview with the two women seated significantly far apart on a rounded couch. The woman cries about her husband, to which Melania says, “I will pray that he doesn’t suffer.” There’s no closeness or bond between the two women, until the wife begins crying as Melania moves over for a hug. To that point, there was a physical and emotional distance between them.

In another depressing moment which is meant to illustrate compassion but tragically falls short is Melania and Donald attending the gravesites of fallen soldiers. They go to a public event where Donald lays a wreath, but then Melania’s documentary cameras are in tow to visit the graves of other soldiers whose families are alongside the first couple. Assuming these families gave the OK to appear and be profiled in the documentary, it’s still an odd inclusion to exploit a family’s loss in an attempt to convey an empathetic image. This, too, falls short.

Speaking of images, Kamala Harris is notably showcased as a stereotypical “angry black woman” at Donald’s inauguration. Each time she’s shown backstage with Joe Biden she looks pissed off and checks her watch. By contrast, Melania speaks warmly of the Bidens and we catch a glimpse of the Clintons and Bushes laughing it up at the inauguration. Harris is the only one visually portrayed negatively.

We follow Melania on inauguration day — a 22-hour day, she says. We see her hustling from event to event, talking about her footwear. At one point she leaves a stage and begins dancing backstage for an attempted fun moment but everyone around her looks serious and unimpressed. Nobody even cracks a smile at her quasi silliness.

At 2 a.m., she and Donald call it a night. It’s implied that he goes to bed on his own, as he says, “I’ll see you guys tomorrow.” They don’t appear to spend the night together.

As for the soundtrack (“original score” as Melania called it during the press rounds) it consists of Michael Jackson (Billie Jean), Village People (YMCA), The Crystals (And Then He Kissed Me; ironic because she never kisses her husband on the lips — another veiled shot at him?), Bobby Hebb (Sunny) amongst other oldies music. Melania suggested that the musical score for this documentary was created specifically for her project. No. They licensed the majority of the music in the show.

IN THE END

I will say this: Melania Trump is gorgeous. I won’t take that beauty from her. She is stunning. Now, having said that, this documentary, while attempting to give a personal, if not intimate, view of her, falls short. Very short. From the staged greetings with people to the limited interactions and lack of closeness with her family, Melania is not a warm person.

The fact that she acted as a producer on the picture, clearly indicates she had a say in how she’s portrayed. If she feels this puts her in the best light, I’m not sure it’ll do anything to convert Melania doubters or haters. Does she have a loyal fan base? Sure, just as Meghan Markle does. There, too, is an inherent fakeness and coldness with every human interaction. Meghan and Melania could be besties, I imagine.

The movie is shot beautifully. Visually, it’s impressive. If anything, it showcases Melania more as a fashion model than a first lady. With so much time documenting her inauguration looks, it’s unclear what we’re supposed to learn about her as this is, they say, a documentary. We already know she knows fashion. We already know she knows style. We don’t gain anything from seeing so much time dedicated to wardrobe fittings — for an outfit that was largely forgettable… save for that infamous kiss-blocking hat.

The fact that, aside from interactions with her husband — whom she appears to dismiss at every turn — we don’t see any sort of bond with her family. None. None whatsoever. During the press rounds, Melania was asked about son, Barron, who apparently “loved” the movie, yet he’s barely shown interacting with his own mother — the star of the show. That her own son doesn’t show up in the documentary until one hour in, is telling about Melania’s relationship with her family.

Is it a boring watch? Not necessarily. If you like behind-the-scenes insight into major events or spending a day in the life of someone, it’s enjoyable. I didn’t find myself sighing and checking the clock to see how much time was left. Though, had I been watching with someone I’d probably be sarcastic in a running commentary the entire time. But, for sitting alone in an empty theatre watching the movie, it was fine. I wasn’t wowed and I wasn’t bored out of my mind.

In the end, this documentary answers the question that nobody asked: How did Melania get ready for an event one year ago that had the worst inauguration ratings in decades?