The Bachelor preview: Will he be Colton ‘Blunder’wood at the end of this?

It’s December 19 and ABC sent out the screener of The Bachelor season premiere. As the blender is finishing up my first margarita I’m writing what happens during the episode before I even start the video.

Anybody who’s watched this show knows exactly how it goes: We see Colton talk about how hopeful he is that he’ll find temporary “love” on TV and we see him walking down the beach and then showering as he gets ready to go to the rental mansion with the oil-slick driveway.

Strangely, I’m partially wrong. We don’t meet Colton at the beginning of the episode though in the media preview version they often make changes before the show actually airs.

We meet the busty blonds competing for screen time… uh, I mean alleged virgin Blunderwood’s wood and swelling blue balls.

First is Cassie, a speech pathologist who works with kids. We see her coloring with a little girl and instantly I think: That poor kid’s parents let their youngster be featured on a show like this. Sad.

Alabama blond Hannah is next. You knew that was coming. The southern-drawled blond from a hillbilly town fits right into the cookie-cutter casting of these shows. Oh yeah, she was Miss Alabama. Shocking, for sure. Need more? She wears her crown during the intro interview as signs autographs at home… for nobody. “Yeah, but I’m a total train wreck,” she says as she holds up to the camera another picture of herself. She describes the Hot Mess Express “and I’m the conductor. Toot toot.” Really, I’m not making this shit up. She heads outside – in sash and crown – and does a cheer. She spells out his name correctly so there is some hope for her. “I’ve only kissed four guys that were my boyfriends,” she says. The other ones were, what, clients? The fact that he’s an alleged virgin is “super appealing” to her, though she admits she’s not a virgin.

Heather, our next blond, is a beach girl who’s allegedly never been kissed. She’s seen smiling on the beach like she’s a model. She previously met Colton at an event and has a framed photo of him in her room that she stares at. She “can definitely see having her first kiss with Colton.” Well, duh. If she doesn’t it’ll be really sad. Everyone gets a kiss and mono on these shows.

Dancer Katie is seen busting a move. Her parents have been married for 30 years. “I want that,” though it’s unclear why she’s on this show then.

Demi is another southern girl who is seen scooting around town in spandex. “I live with my dad and stepmom and my dad always had the proper environment for us.” Apparently not. Broken home? During her interview she’s seen answering a call that has an automated greeting: This call is from a federal prison. Umhmm. Great home life! It’s “mommy.” There it is! Mom’s an embezzler. Ha ha ha. I’m actually laughing out loud. Demi is seen writing a letter to “Mommy” as it appears on the page.

Onyekachukwu Ehie is Nigerian and there to fill a casting quota. You already know that Blunderwood wants the cheerleader blond so I don’t know why they bring these “outsiders” on to humiliate. Then again, yes I do. Train Wreck Express! She uses her parents, who had a quickie marriage, as an example and takes their words of wisdom as the gospel. Interesting though we don’t hear them sounding gungho about their kid going on TV to do this. Alphabet Woman goes on to say that “he has all the morals and characters” that she looks for in a guy, noting that “he’s hot.” That’s deep.

Nicole in Miami wants you to feel sorry for her that she’s just too damn hot and that it’s hard to meet “eligible bachelors” in town. Tough break, kiddo. We pity you. Not about the single thing, about the going on TV thinking you’re too beautiful thing. She goes on to say, “He’s better looking than Brad Pitt.” Um. She clearly hasn’t seen Brad Pitt naked like some of us have. (Let me know if you wanna see those pics. They’re real.) She says “like” too much so you know she’s going to fit in with the rest of the valley girls.

The dental hygienist “really hopes that Colton flosses.” That’s a dance, right? Oh boy. If he does, I’m out. No, she’s talking about his oral habits. And clearly we know that it’s just his teeth… allegedly. She says it’s the first thing she will “gravatort” to. She’s another girl who sits with her family around the dinner table, holds hands and prays.

Now we meet Colton. Yes, he’s shown on the beach. Yes, he’s shown showering. Coincidentally, he’s shown showering on the beach. Then he’s shirtless in the gym. Shocker. “I know not everyone’s going to like me.” Shocker. “I know I have a lot of room to grow.” Umhmm. Good place to do it – on TV. “I am the first virgin bachelor.” I still don’t understand why this is the highlight of the season. Are they going to have a parade if there’s a first bachelor with lupus or MS or something? He’s a virgin. Who cares? “This is an opportunity of a lifetime.” Is it though? Is Dancing with the Stars… oops, The Bachelor, really all it’s cracked up to be? “I couldn’t be more hopeful and excited.” Cut to the next shower scene. He talks about how he “grew up in a pretty conservative environment.” We see childhood pics and the “fat chunky weird kid” who “didn’t have girlfriends.” Cut to his football career and his newfound confidence. Now his downfall on a show like The Bachelor. “I do know what love is. I’ve been in love before” – just not enough to destroy some ass. Shame. “Falling in love with Becca was eye opening.” Oh right, that tart. That “love.” Silly boy. He doesn’t know love. We flashback to the heartbreak as he “was ready to lose his virginity” to her. The sadness and “devastation” of that “relationship” ending. He says he’s focused on himself and grown as a person but clearly doesn’t feel he can meet someone out in the real world. Plus, why not get paid to embarrass yourself on TV again?

Blunderwood sits down with Harrison as they discuss the “controversial” choice of picking him as the bachelor. They go on about the reputation a so-called virgin gets. He says he’s “not waiting for a ring, not waiting for marriage.” He says he’s waiting for love. Sounds like a contradiction if he’s been in love before. Why didn’t it happen? Was it not love then?

The show cuts to commercial with triumphant music as Blundy confidently walks and talks about being hopeful for the experience.

He’s already taking deep breaths as he gets dressed in a hotel room and then goes to the rental mansion. Not sure why he had to stay in a hotel first and then go to the oil-slick driveway. Doesn’t he get his own private house, too? Harrison greets him and the hens cluck in the limo and talk about the kids they’d have with him. Of course they’re getting lubed in the cars with champagne so I’m hopeful now that it’ll get train wrecky.

As the first limo skids into the driveway, they’re squealing inside as he gives them a little-boy wave. The door opens, we see the foot slip onto the ground. Demi says she hasn’t dated a virgin since she was 12 which seems like an awkward intro. As she goes inside the house he breathes out and says, “I’m in trouble.” If you listen carefully you can almost hear his blue balls ready to burst.

There’s nothing noteworthy in the first few arrivals. Miss North Carolina comes in with her sash and I believe this could lead to a pageant queen showdown in the coming episodes. Plus, her sash doubles to say “Miss Underwood’ when she spins it around. Clearly the dummy doesn’t realize she would be Mrs. Underwood but there’s nothing saying pageant queens are known for their brains.

Blundy seems quite juvenile when he’s meeting the gals. I can see how some would find it charming but it actually comes across as 16-yo boyish. It’s strange.

They’re really breezing through the driveway introductions. We haven’t previously been introduced to most of the gals that come out of the first car so I don’t have much to say about them. (Though this could be re-edited in time for broadcast next month.) Nobody really makes a strong first impression.

He’s described as a “big huge teddy bear” who makes her feel like “a tiny little baby.” That’s creepy. Even if it’s a kinky roleplay thing, that sounds pretty perverted. Baby and a bear? Um. Police?

Caitlin from Canada (oh shit, Canucks are involved in this again) “pops his cherry” in the driveway by bursting a red balloon with a piece of green paper on it. As she walks away he notes, “I thought that was an apple.” Yup, he’s gonna be a killer in the sack. You know what, stick to jerkin’ it, buddy. Or find a real man to help you take care of that virginity thing.

Let’s go back to that. Why are some of the gals bringing it up when they first greet him? “Hi, I’m stoked you have lupus. I can’t wait to hear all about it.” Who brings up virginity with their hello? Clearly his claim to fame is having been the only one to touchdown his pants. (Did that work? Touch down his pants.) If that’s the most charming and endearing thing about him, we’ve got problems this season.

“Have you ever tasted a sweet Georgia peach?” Of course he hasn’t. Though I have a sense he’d go down on some eggplant after a few drinks.

OK, now the gimmicky introductions are starting. Blundy’s asked to pick a card from a deck. Wait for another lame virgin joke based on the card he picks. I won’t spoil the attempt at humor so you can be surprised as you groan for yourself. “Hey, it’s nice to meet you. My mom has lupus, too.”

One girl is saying she doesn’t know what Colton’s type is. Um, it’s fairly clear. Bimbo-y, store-bought blond hair…

And yeah, I wrote too soon about the lame entrances because then this creature arrived. Staring curiously at it like it’s the first pair of naked boobs he sees in person, Blundy seems exciting to welcome what’s described as a sloth. It is the longest and most painfully lame intros you’ve ever seen. Even Blundy doesn’t seem to have the patience to wait that long. Fickle virgin, ain’t he? The show even goes to commercial as Alex D. (whose career on the chyron is listed as “Sloth”) continues the arrival.

I think one of them is a dude. I’m not going to name who it is but if you’re reading this and watching the show, tweet me the name of the person you think it is.

“Colton’s a snack… and momma’s ready to eat.” Make your own jokes here.

A gal presents him with a sleeve of nuts. He doesn’t recognize them because they’re not blue.

As the next beauty pageant contestant arrives I would’ve expected more scary and dangerous music. The competition is officially on. Strangely she doesn’t wear her sash like she did in her intro so it’ll be interesting to see when she comes face to face and fake smile to fake smile with the other one already in the rental mansion.

There it is! The beauty queens know each other. Sounds like there might be competition as one says she was beat by the other. Meow.

Next gimmicky arrival: Police car with lights flashing and siren blaring. Nope, she’s not a cop. She’s a fashion stylist and comes with handcuffs. She’s – get this – fashion police. “I’m going to save these for the fantasy suite,” Blundy says as she walks away. Um, yeah, no. He talks a big game but you know the gals are gonna leave in tears thinking he’s gay after their night in the suite.

I will admit there’s a more multi-cultured cast this season but the dominating trait is the big-smiling blond. Prediction: It’ll be one of them at the end.

Dammit, there’s another Canadian. Ugh. Vancouver this time. Why are they doing this to my country?

Bri, a model from L.A., walks up and hugs him and doesn’t even say hi. Nothing. Nothing on the approach. He starts the dialogue by greeting her and asking her name. A model. From L.A. (But she has an Australian accent?) The cold intro already makes her seem like an ice queen who’ll be too much hassle. Be gone! Ah yes, it’s a fake accent, too. She comes clean to the camera.

There’s a Kardashian-type accountant. But she’s wearing the same dress as another one of the gals. They have a laugh but you know they’re wanting to kill each other.

“Rumor has it that Colton doesn’t wear underwear.” The fact that these details are known about him is… well… I dunno, I just don’t have hope for this season. I don’t normally so I guess it’s right up to par with previous seasons.

Another blond princess arrives, this one with a little rat dog. And she leaves it with him. Right. She gave him the dog and walked into the house. What a bitch. Literally. Harrison comes in to take the dog – and punt it over the fence. He doesn’t but that would’ve been funny as hell. (And shut up, I’m not condoning animal abuse. It’s a joke.)

A horse and carriage arrives next, as we’re talking about using animals in entertainment. She’s wearing a wedding dress and the nuts girl is overheard saying she “should’ve done better” than just handing him a sleeve of salty nuts. We overhear more insecure rumblings as gals fear they’re being upstaged by newcomers. As the numbers increase the confidence is being sucked out of the room. This should be good. And by that I mean drama-wise not for the whole so-called love thing.

Sad that a broadcast journalist can only say, “Wow, just wow” at meeting him. I apologize for my entire industry for someone like her.

“All of them are so confident,” Blundy says to Harrison after meeting 30 women. Silly boy. Silly, silly boy. Clueless bastard. There you go, broadcast journalist: some words about him.

While addressing the room, Captain Blue Balls says he’s going to be true to himself and honest with everyone. HA! We’ll see about that.

Of course, the first girl has the nerve to “steal him away” and the rest of the hens grumble about the cock chaser.

Demi has “kitty cats” so if that gives you an indication about her maturity… She’s 23. She also has determined that Blundy has a crush on her already.

Meanwhile, back in the house, the gals are questioning why he’s a virgin. One wonders why he’s a virgin because he’s hot. Yeah, it’s true. Only hotties should fuck. Uglies should be single and never bump uglies. You heard it here first, folks. These bitches are terrible.

It’s strange that when confronted and questioned, he passes off his former career as the reason for being a virgin. A pro football player ain’t got time for sex. It’s curious and doesn’t make sense so it seems to indicate there’s something else there. I don’t even mean that a muscle football stud should have no trouble getting laid, it doesn’t make sense that he proclaims to have had love but never gone all the way. Something doesn’t add up, especially if he’s not waiting for marriage.

I feel like we’re watching teenagers flirting with each other. There seems something so juvenile about this night. The girls are kind of talking like babies and he seems like a high school football star in a suit going to prom.

Mr. Virgin is aggressive enough to go in for a kiss with a pageant queen. The pleasantries had barely started and he grabbed her face. Virgin though. Umhmm.

Harrison brings in the first-impression rose. It makes the insecurity level ramp up big time. They’re staring at it. Half of them look like they’re ready to puke like they just ate dinner and have to fit into their dress.

A gal has a string quartet and takes Blundy outside to practice for his time on Dancing with the Stars after he fails on The Bachelor.

The sloth is still wearing the goddamn outfit. She even climbs a tree in it. When she finally gets some one-on-one time with him she does the big reveal. Nothing too special underneath, if I’m being honest. She loves everything. She loves her family, she loves her city (Boston), she loves animals (all animals), she loves her job.

Harrison still has the dog so clearly that gal has no problem just dumping her dog with random people. If the pooch is such an important part of her life, the canine would be front and center with each conversation. Nope, it’s just there as a prop to hand off to the production crew like it’s a Kardashian baby.

Awkward interruption. He’s sitting down with a gal to color some shoes (really) and then one of the previous gals comes in and apologizes saying she didn’t have enough time to talk to him. The biggest slap in the face: he takes off and goes with her. Slap! That is always an indicator if the guy has balls. Clearly, we know how swollen his are but it’s just rude. That’s where you lay down the law and you say, “I’m with her now and I’ll talk to you later.” So disrespectful. As I’m typing this, that same person comes back and steals him away from someone else. “Third time’s a charm,” Blundy even says as he acknowledges – and allows – her to run rough-shot over the group. The girls are swearing and bitching about her but, again, the dude’s allowing it so how is she the bad person? Come on now.

Stolen Colton. I am predicting that will be a hashtag when this episode airs next month.

The interrupter is pulled aside to have a fake-smiled smackdown. It goes surprisingly well but then – guess what – she interrupts again. “Fourth time’s a charm,” Blundy tallies. Did the talking-to girl really think she would influence the competition to change her interfering ways? Really? Geez.

In an attempt to seem relevant, Harrison is seen walking the rat dog around the property. It seems to be handling the driveway OK.

One of the hens sits down with Blundy and talks about being an independent woman. I completely disagree with someone who says she’s an independent woman but plays by the rules of a reality show to dictate how she can live and find love. You are not a free thinker and independent woman if you go onto a show and are told when you can hang out with the guy and rely on other people pulling the puppet strings and controlling your time. That’s not an independent woman. Sorry. That’s degrading.

“What’s the scariest thing you’ve ever done?” he’s asked. You won’t believe his lame answer. It’s actually kinda sad. It also shows how pitiful of a life he’s had. Pro football career aside, it’s pretty sad how little he’s lived.

The intense music starts as Blundy goes to retrieve the first-impression rose. I won’t name who gets it but I will tell you that fourth time wasn’t a charm for the interrupter. It’s not her. But he does have an awkwardly intense kiss with the recipient. I sense he’s going to go back to his room and hump the shit out of the furniture. He’s ready to burst already.

This is where I leave you. We’re asked not to give major plot storylines so I’ve got no rose ceremony details for you. I will join you Jan. 7 for a live-tweet session of the season premiere. Follow along with @jeremydbradley