You’re not a celeb, no need for an ‘official’ or ‘real’ user name

It seems like when I write one commentary about social media, I’m instantly reminded of something else that annoys me about the platforms — or, at least the people on the platforms.

From duck-faced selfies to lengthy rants about why pineapple belongs on pizza (it doesn’t, fight me), I thought I was desensitised to most of social media’s quirks. Then, I stumbled upon a new, deeply perplexing phenomenon that tickles my funny bone before making me involuntarily cringe: the “official” or “real” in a regular person’s social media username.

You know the ones I mean. Not the verified accounts with the little blue checkmark – those make perfect sense (or they did before platforms started their pay-to-play fuckery). I’m talking about “OfficialBrendaSmith” or “RealGaryAnderson.” Every time I see it, I have to blink twice, just to make sure my eyes aren’t playing tricks on me. My first thought, invariably, is: “Official… as opposed to what, Brenda? The legions of fake Brenda-from-Marketing accounts lurking in the shadows, desperate to mimic your groundbreaking PowerPoint presentations? Who do you think you are, Brenda?”

Let’s rewind.

Back in the bygone era of early social media, before the blue tick became ubiquitous, celebrities faced a genuine predicament. If you were, say, the globally adored pop sensation “CelebX,” you probably had about 7,000 fan accounts, 300 spoof accounts, and at least five trying to sell questionable diet pills using your face. It was a genuine free-for-all. So, when “OfficialCelebX” or “RealCelebX” popped up, it made perfect, logical sense. It was a beacon of authenticity in a sea of digital impersonators. We all breathed a collective sigh of relief, knowing we were following the actual person behind the hit songs, questionable fashion choices and soapbox protests at awards shows.

But now? For the sake of all that is holy and digitally sane, who are you fending off, “OfficialDogLover23”? Are there dozens of imposters out there, meticulously crafting fake DogLover23 profiles, just waiting to share slightly-off-kilter pictures of their pug, attempting to pass them off as yours?

Is there a shadowy underground network of “UnofficialBrendaFromMarketing” accounts, pooling their resources to undermine your brand? The sheer hubris of it all is breathtakingly theatrical.

It’s as if social media, in its relentless pursuit of democratising “fame,” has inflated everyone’s sense of self to stratospheric levels. Now, everyone’s a “personal brand,” everyone’s a “content creator,” and apparently, everyone is so wildly popular and influential that an entire phalanx of impersonators is banging down their digital doors.

Newsflash, sweetie: nobody’s trying to be “OfficialChad’sCarModz.” Chad, you’re cool, but you’re not exactly Beyoncé.

Perhaps it’s a symptom of “main character syndrome,” where we all assume our mundane lives are worthy of a Netflix series, complete with dramatic imposters and official fan clubs. Call me old-fashioned, but I truly believe the best way to be “official” online is to simply be yourself, sans the self-aggrandising prefix.